I’ve tried to think of a way to start this blog post but with tears streaming down my face and anxiety in my heart I’m going to just blurt it out. Here we go guys. I wish I could hold your hand while you read this because that’s what I need right now.
2018 – 2019 we had six miscarriages. Six moments of positive pregnancy test joy, six babies prayed for, and six heartbreaking losses back to back to back. We stopped the cute reveals of telling family, held everything close to our hearts, and I have never felt so truly broken as I did last year. Did you see the Instagram post below? After two heartbreaking losses I somehow found the courage to post it. Even with all the love that surrounded my little family and I, I had never felt so alone in a struggle.
It’s easy to see all of the joys of women pregnant around you until you’re the one silently struggling to stay pregnant. I dreaded going out, avoided baby showers, and distanced myself from my friends at no fault of their own. Guys, everything was SO hard. I didn’t realize how deep into sadness and depression I had fallen until I had felt that this grief had swallowed me whole. I was trying not to question God’s plan but I’ll be 100% honest when I say that I failed. I questioned why this was happening to me and my family all while feeling guilty for wanting another when I already had such a perfect daughter. I PRAYED to see her as the best big sister and sharing a bond like my brother and I have. I felt the most guilty of robbing that experience from her because in my heart I knew she would be the most kind and caring big sister to her little sibling.
Two of my miscarriages started while photographing weddings. Two moments of pure terror coming back from using the restroom and knowing what was starting. Two times of looking at Mary and telling her we had to keep going because there was nothing the ER could do. And although my heart was broken I put a smile on my face and we rocked those wedding days without anyone knowing my silent struggle. After a 4 hour drive there, photographing a 8 hour wedding, and driving 4 hours home, Mary slept on my couch to be home with Leighton so we could go to the ER and confirm what I had already known. We were losing our baby. Again.
And somehow through it all I had my husband, Leighton, my family, my brides, my neighbors, Mary and Blake all keeping my head up high while I always felt like I wanted to fall apart. There were times I couldn’t keep it together. I would go to Mary’s house and just fall to pieces while trying to be strong for Leighton. Trying to be strong for everyone. And even with my most successful business year I was deep down feeling like a constant failure.
And then came you.
Two little lines that changed everything. After 3 different fertility clinics we had been sent to Duke Fertility where they helped pinpoint possible reasons for our previous miscarriages and they made a plan. Here we were and here was you.
I cannot put into words how truly anxiety filled I was (and still am). Our longest pregnancy during that last year was 9 weeks. I counted down the days until our next appointment. I needed to see you and hear your little heart. 6 weeks went to 7. 7 to 8. 8 to 9. And 9 to 10. We had made it longer than any other pregnancy since Leighton. I thought my anxiety would lessen but quite the opposite started to happen.
We guarded this pregnancy so secretly just in case. With every passing week I prayed to have more with you. At the start of this pregnancy I lost 17 pounds from being so sick. My Dr. pushed for me to be on some kind of nausea medicine but I refused. Although that sickness is NEVER fun, it was my way of knowing you were still there and I was still pregnant. And although it may be the only thing I have in common with Kate Middleton, I was thankful for every minute.
And in this time where weeks started to fly by and I got to see your little face more and more, I grew in hope. Our little rainbow.
Finally I felt like I could tell more people and take announcement photos. Was I too scared to post them? 100%. I’ve had these for months and could not summon the courage to post just in case. Mary was so kind to take these for us right before their big move to WA! Fun fact, I wasn’t showing yet so this little bump was all thanks to a lot of tacos and cheese dip. Merry Character Photography is amazing guys <3
As Christmas quickly approached I was gaining more and more confidence in this little one growing inside me. I was starting to tell more and more people and make a game plan for the year ahead. Every morning Leighton would climb into bed with me and ask to listen to baby’s heartbeat. We sat there together every morning with the doppler and checked on this sweet baby. We traded sessions with Tamsyn of Tamsyn Jade Photography and she had my heart bursting with these shots. Was I still too nervous to share? 100%. I’m still nervous. This whole blog post has me nervous.
Finishing up the wedding season this year was a total blur of incredible weddings and the sweetest brides who always kept me smiling. Hiding the bump started to get a little harder and here’s baby and I at the last wedding of 2019!
And here we are now. Week 25 of this incredible rainbow baby journey.
I’ve been SO nervous to share. I’m still slightly having anxiety about sharing this news with you guys. I’m writing this feeling baby having a party in my belly and I know it is all in God’s hands. I’m SO thankful to have you all by my side. On the days I had to message brides and say “I’m sorry I have been in the ER and your sneak peeks will be up as soon as possible” or “Your gallery will be delivered next week due to us suffering a miscarriage this week” with me being I incredibly worried about them being angry only to be lifted up in prayer and hugs instead. I cried happy tears of relief. The texts of “PLEASE DON’T WORRY ABOUT US” and “We are thinking of you” and “We love you. Please let us know if there’s anything we can help with” that made me smile when I felt like a failure for not being able to separate business and personal life. Truly from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for being my biggest supporters. I’m excited for you all to know our not so little anymore secret. I’m excited to share more of this journey with you even if I’m the most scared I’ve ever been.
We are excited to meet you in the Spring little one <3
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